When something dies, coming to an abrupt end–there’s usually a period of cold shock. As a child, I remember being afraid of death having terribly vivid dreams of being hurt and feeling the cold rush into the now exposed part of me. I’d then wake up and pull my blanket to my neck and stay awake until I was too tired to. But, the older I had become I realized that many things die.
- Natural/Living Things
On this journey of wholeness, I realize that often times relationships die as well. I am the sibling of six sisters, yeah six. I’ve been in deep wanting to reconnect with others in certain relationships. Having siblings that are diverse not in only personality but culture, we chose to separate ourselves by choice–this was a result of us constantly misunderstanding each other over the various levels of relationship that we had with our father and seemingly endless fighting, we burned out and the very little relationship we had died too. The same thing was happening with other family members in the family.
There’s a quote that says,
“Love never dies a natural death, it dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayal. It dies of illness and wounds, It dies of withering and tarnishing. “- Anais Nin
In hindsight, which is usually 20/20 ,after my dad died. I am willing to admit that in the past I had been blind to any other view but my own. I may have behaved in error based off of my perspective of the situation and that I have felt betrayal. It is unfair for me to force people to see things the way I do and it’s unfair for me to ignore someone else’s view or experience. I never intended for us to stop talking to each other period, I never wanted for the small relationship that we had to die without letting them know how I felt.
Just like how I had never intended for my dad to die without letting him know how I felt.
I recently attended a small group of sorts and I remember something that the group leader said, “I am powerless“. I honestly couldn’t mutter the words because everything, the weight of everything came over me in this admission of my powerlessness and my imperfection. I had to admit that I was success-addict and I had just naturally treated everything including people like an equation or a recipe and in my present life I was still that small child pulling a blanket to my neck, because I was still dealing with the cold shock, from my exposed hurt of being left alone and angry. In this, I had questions which led me to separate myself from others, especially God.
In hindsight, I think I see that in my own way, I thought in all of its unfairness that I should’ve been the one considered when my dad died. Almost as if it had been done without my permission. ….the anger was from not having control over the time that he was allotted and feeling like God was purposefully putting me by myself.
My local pastor has been teaching on the characteristics of God, and honestly. I wasn’t taking notes, which is very unlike me. However, I remember him going to explanation over how good God is, and why. That series lasted I believe six weeks, long enough to penetrate this confused heart of mine anyway. I now understand that grieving has no end date, but since then I have replayed this simple truth in my mind:
I have to be willing to believe in His words. I know He has no intent to hurt or harm me . But I’ll also admit that the pain of everything is worse than anything I’ve known and I am powerless to change it on my own. However, I am not alone.
What’s the point of death?
It’s not supposed to stop us from going on.
It’s not supposed to stop us from going out.
It’s not supposed to stop us from growing up.
Maybe it’s supposed to make us better and question everything when we witness it in person. Maybe it supposed to drive us closer to God and to what little is around us. I have questioned things within myself on a level of which I had never done before and I cannot say that the conversation has always been comfortable but it has made me admit one thing.
I want life. I want to feel okay. I want to stop feeling anxiety and pressure to meet certain deadlines that I have set for myself and feeling like a failure when I don’t meet them. I want to stop feeling like I am running out of time. I want life and if that means connecting my self to the source of all life, for a healing, then I have to be willing to get uncomfortable and put myself before others in a display of faith and reach for Him.
God I am not in control, I understand this and for this I am grateful. I understand that in your hands now is a greater plan put in place not only for my life but for those connected to me and others. I trust in that plan. We lift up these broken relationships, the dead things that hold us back from you, and ask for forgiveness for any actions that we may have taken to hurt others consciously or unconsciously. I thank you for the wholeness promised in your Word and we call these things to be so.