Today I ask myself this question: When did you become afraid? Was it after the shock of something terrible or was it a gradual, growing and menacing inner struggle for which I just didn’t put up a fight. When did I tell myself it was okay to lose? When did I tell myself that it was okay to wait?
My mother reminded me of a time where I was younger, possibly in my preteens and one night I was in tears. Explaining to my mom that I was afraid to grow up. I was afraid of being a teenager.She comforted me, dispelling the fears that I had some real , some very unreal. But they seemed like possibilities because that’s what it had always looked like on TV. She reminded me of that a few weeks ago. As I thought on this moment, I remember being proud of how open I was in admitting that there were things I hadn’t understood at that time. Not just because I was young and inexperienced but also because I was a foreigner and I had known nothing of the culture.
I then remembered something about myself that I had stopped, I used to dance, yeah, I did. I was pretty good too from what I was told. I had a sense of rhythm and movement, and I stopped. Why? What did I lose along the way? What took that away from me? My sister and I danced to all the numbers in White Christmas and sung the sister number over and over. Perfecting our footing and our voices, we sung together and fell on our faces together. We watched Rebecca on Sunnybrook Farm and sung the songs with ease. Why did I stop? Why did I stop humming loudly in the library, or sneaking opportunities in the hallways to belt out a line from Funny Girl?
I am thankful for my job. The gift of being a teacher is mixed blessing. You are clearly the adult in the room, but you don’t always have to be. I love watching my kids laugh when I read silly stories in silly voices. We laugh when they mistakenly call me momma. Having this job has given me back apart of me.
A month ago, I was told that I had that look of a singer, in passing it was nothing, in fact at that moment I denied the whole thing. The girl pushed for me to take up praise and worship at the study and I denied it. Lately however, I have had a new wind, a new calming wind, I’ve been singing more. I haven’t quite mastered the basic technique to write them down because I always forget what I had said before. I’ve also been writing poems and working on story plots as well. Maybe God is showing me something here and maybe I should pay attention.
“Vulnerability is the state of being open to injury, or appearing as if you are.”
That sounds awful doesn’t it? It does to me. Right now I can think of 5 or 6 things a person should not be vulnerable with and with good reason! Admittedly I have been having a problem with some personal things that I just couldn’t wrap my head around .The how-to’s. the questions about making connections and working things out for the sake of progress. I am a doer. I am someone who will plan and sketch and measure….everything…everything…then I execute the plan put in place. But plans dont work when abstract elements like time are evolving like the waves in a lake. Spreading out in ring after ring after ring….until I imagine its touched the outer lines of the ground surrounding it.
If you had asked me three years ago what the most important attribute in life was. I would say endurance. Because I marvel at the people who have gone through some type of struggle and find a state of victory. True victory. Being a recently discovered melancholy, a doer —its so frustrating being patient on anything and admitting that you don’t know something. Its human nature to survive, to adapt to environments—whether or not that stems from a fear of wanting to be in some type of control or not, I cannot say. But as I look out at these dark trees and grey and seamless sky reflecting on the water. I feel at peace and the urge to make changes, new plans, new messy plans. New relationships are opening up in my circle, I want to be apart of them and I figure that is the first step.
But you have to be afraid first. You have to have a low point, something to endure and pass through. Its not fun but its apart of the process. You have to engage in the process.
Well there is warmer weather now, consistent warm weather I should say. There is no longer an excuse to disappear with the cold. That means its time to get into the sun. Opening my mind to unknown stories of those around me and beyond and opening my heart for the sake of connection. I want to connect with everything, the dark shadowy trees of the past and the brightly colord tulips marking the future. In a stagnate place of mind this morning, I find Jesus himself offering the one thing that I can’t give myself, a real sense of peace.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest”.
Because connection is what allows for the victors to share their stories over the great bonfire of friendship. Hopefully this blog will change that. Hopefully this blog will keep me open.I hope the same thing for you. I hope you make connections this warm weather.
So watch for me, you might see me dancing.