Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life. (Psalm 143:8)
This year I have found myself every day alive, moving and breathing. That’s a big deal.
I have faced so many different challenges. Some more personal that I care for them to be.
This morning I woke up and I liked how secretive the night felt. Like it was sneaking away as the light of the sun invaded the sky. I sat on my couch and allowed for the light that crawled across the living room floor to remind me of how incredible the notion of the day is.
How incredible life is really…
The mystery of timing and day. Just how the sun knows when to appear and how it does so every day. Never failing to disappoint us, always there whether we perceive it to be or not.
Whether my eyes see it or not.
Consistency is a luxury that I am slowly finding out no one is able to afford. Consistency in financial means. Consistency in relationship statuses…in anything. But I am also learning that I shouldn’t be fearful of it not being there either. I’ve been dealing with a personal problem that constantly finds its way into my thinking during those personal times. During those lonely times when I have to courageously fight and ward off the evil thoughts that try to dictate my life.
I think we all do.
It wasn’t until last night when I decided to tackle my monstrous closet and I found my scrapbook and it were pictures of me and my sister at different points in our lives.I was suddenly reminded of something that was consistent in my life. Even though I never acknowledged it. Even though I never sought it out. Even though…I never knew it existed or knew my name.
You may have noticed that I tend to talk about anxiety, stress, and depression.
That’s because ten years ago on and off I found myself struggling with everything at once. I was a young Ghanian girl trying to fit into new school, new life and making new friends learning quickly that it wasn’t as easy as it sounded. The more I tried the more I felt the opposition and push back. The voices that reminded that I was weird and too different. I was often made fun of where I was from because it boggled the other kids how long my full name was or how I sounded when I spoke.Anxiety became a big part of how I coped with life….
I was overeating and then I wasn’t eating at all. I was hiding my food and eating in secret. I was overly emotional —to the point of me breaking down and crying over everything and anything. I was a shell of a person. I felt like nothing.My family was falling apart. As the oldest of my mother’s children, I found myself struggling to redefine what I was, what everything was in relation to me and all things that mattered to me. It meant instability, struggle, and hard work and it shook me then. And to believe that now…
..that I would be here now, alive, more than okay and unbroken. …
“He has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping “, Psalm 66:9
It took prayer. It took hearing the one opinion that really mattered and daring to believe it.
I found that I was never alone. I was never by myself. I was safe in the hands of the Father of Light, his light was reflecting in my heart , each day drawing me out of the darkness. The word preservation means to keep alive or in existence , to make lasting . To keep from harm or injury to spare.
In reflection, of this year and what I have experienced. I find that there were a lot of times where I had “self-sabotaged” good things that were meant for me. In my personal life, I think I unconsciously made things complicated and then I had used that as an excuse to avoid something because “I didn’t fit there” or “It hadn’t worked out”. I made things way more complicated that they should’ve been. …
On the other hand, I am still content. I have seen some things change in my life and it’s freeing. One of the lessons being the importance of forgiving yourself. Letting yourself forget the mistakes you made and allowing your heart to let it go.
This morning I noticed my growth. I noticed where I was and I smiled at the bright-eyed girl with a ridiculous reindeer sweater. Because she’s not the same anymore. She’s not afraid. She’s not alone. Because in my hand was a picture of me clutching grandpa. Another of me and my sister a little older. In each photo, we smiled. Through each trial…we made it. On every single one of those days…the sun rose and the sunset.
Day went on.
Night went on. And in hindsight, I know God was with me and still is.
Admittedly, I was not aware of Him moving.
But he was there. I believe it. Because I never lost my mind. I never lost my heart. I never lost myself.
His consistent love identifies and validates me. To think that I ever questioned finding my place in this world only to discover that there is no mystery. I have nowhere to go but up and I am proud of who I am now and what I have come through. Because it has made more aware of the beauty around me and that of which he has preserved for me and in me. I seek out the good in life and it’s those treasures that are worth finding.
And what is the good?
That I am alive.
That I am whole.
That I am healed.
That I am delivered and preserved for a purpose.
And now I will rise like the gold flecks that dance in sunlight as they swirl across my floor in anticipation of the day. I hope and pray that this reality is the same for you. That you embark on next year stronger than you were before, and with a heart bigger than it was in the last.
Never stop becoming friends,
Random fact of the day:
Light from the Sun reaches Earth in around 8 minutes. 8 minutes guys. 🙂